The Jungle Cruise Script
We are sitting in the boat, which is still at the pier. Our Tour Guide is standing in the front of the boat, one hand on the wheel, one hand holding the microphone. Everyone is aboard, so we can begin our journey.
Guide: Okay, we're out of here! How's everyone doing today?
Guide: No, I said everyone. This guy here didn't answer. So how's everyone doing today?
Crowd: (Including the silent fellow.) Good!!
Guide: Well great! My name is Rob, and I'll be your Jungle Cruise stripper- uh... skipper today here on the world famous Jungle Cruise. I could also be your alligator wrestler and swimming instructor if you're not careful. So please be careful. So how many of you all are from out of the state Florida? (A few people raise hands.) Ah. And from out of the country? (A few more raised hands.) Uh huh. How about out of money? How about out of your minds? (Everyone raises their hands after these last two.) Well, this trip won't help. You're going to go thru four of the world's mightiest rivers today. You're going to see things that you've never seen. You're going to do things that you've never done. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll... kiss ten and a half minutes goodbye. So we'll begin here in South America on the Amazon River.
The boat slows at a bend in the river, and we see on the left, a large formation of rocks. Normally, there is a waterfall here, but not today.
Guide: And over here, look at this! Isn't that beautiful. It's Inspiration... Rock. Yeah. Uh, there's usually a waterfall here. We normally call it Inspiration Falls, but for some stupid reason, upper management here at the Magic Kingdom thought that we should shut it down for today. I don't know why. So right now, we have Inspiration Rock. But it's usually a beautiful wall of cascading water! And I usually stop here and say things like... uh, 'Boy isn't it beautiful?' You say 'Yeah.' And I'll say, 'We call it Inspiration Falls because it inspires sensible people to go further into the jungle.' Then you say, 'That's nice.' Then I say 'Everyone say 'ooh,' and you all say 'ooh.' Then I say 'everyone say 'ahh,' and you all say 'ahh.' Then I say, 'Are you all inspired?' because that's what the falls are supposed to do, and you say, 'yes.' I say 'do you all want to go further into the jungle?' and you say, 'Well yes, I waited in line for this, so of course I do.' Then I say, 'Well it doesn't really matter, because we're on a track and we have to go anyway.' Then you laugh and chuckle, and well, it's pretty funny. And I say, 'Well, keep up that unbridled enthusiasm, because it makes the trip so much more fun for all of us.' Anyway, that's what we'd all say if the waterfalls were working. But they're not, so we can't do anything.
The boat progresses forward, and around the curve.
Guide: We're on the Congo river now in Africa and there's a Pygmy war camp. Although I don't know where the Pygmies are. Something could have scared them away. Could have been a lion or a tiger or an alligator. Maybe even a... (slowly he turns toward a little girl sitting across and surprises her with,) Crocodile! But no, it was this guy right there. (Points to a huge snake in a tree that the boat is passing.) We call him Monty. Monty the Python is over 26 feet long. And he's been known to swallow little girls who sit on my middle cushion, who wear white tee-shirts and red shorts, holding black purses and have golden blond hair. (Yes, he's antagonizing the little girl again.) But don't worry folks. He's friendly. He might even get a crush on you.
The boat progresses further and we slow down as we pass a small living hut with some gorillas playing inside.
Guide: There's my base camp. My in-laws are visiting me from out of town again. (Gesturing to the gorillas.) Hi mom, hi dad! (To us.) If any of you are wearing something yellow, don't make any sounds like a banana, okay? My in-laws find that very a-pealing. Sorry, the jokes don't get any better.
We progress on for a few moments, until the hut is out of view.
Guide: Well, do you know where we are now? This is the Nile river, which is the longest river in the world. I think that it must have something to do with how it was named, because it just keeps going on for niles and niles and niles.
We see an elephant sticking his head out of the foliage on the left. It whines whines noisily following our guide's last pun.
Guide: Well, I'm glad someone gets it. These are African Bull elephants. You can tell by their big floppy ears and rough trunks. They're really smart too. Listen. (To elephant.) Speak!
The Elephant whines.
The Elephant whines even louder this time.
Guide: Good, now spray everyone with water!
Everyone in the boat ducks down to avoid the drenching, all to the amusment of our Guide.
Guide: Ha ha! Just kidding, just kidding. See, that's dry humor, get it? Dry hum... okay, so I'd like to ask everyone where they're from now. How about you sir? (Gesturing to the man closest to him.)
Man: New York.
Guide: New York, the city?
Guide: Well, welcome aboard. How about you guys, where are you from?
Group: We're from New Jersey.
Guide: Jersey? Hey, I'm from Jersey! How about you over there?
Woman: I'm from New York.
Guide: Hey I'm from New York too! Nice to meet you. Back on the middle cushion, where are you from?
Man and Woman: (In unison.) Tennessee.
Guide: Tennessee, me to! How about you on the left?
Guide: I'm Sorry?
Jason: I said Miami.
Guide: No, I heard you. I was saying I'm sorry.
Our boat passes a tree with several natives trying to climb it. A huge Rhinoceros is bellow the tree waiting for the chance to poke one of the men with it's sharp point.
Guide: A Rhino! He apparently chased those guys up a tree. By the way, those gentlemen up in the tree are all members of the Hontus tribe. I guess the rhino must be trying to poke-a-hontus.
We all groan in unison at one of the worst puns of all time.
Guide: Sorry. The company makes me say it to push the movie. Oh, look over here. Here's a couple of crocodiles. The big one's name is Dwayn, and he's really feisty. So please keep your hands and arms inside the boat, because I'd really hate to see one of you go down the dwayn. (He taps the microphone.) Is this thing on? Oh, look up ahead! There's a waterfall that Disney decided not to turn off today! Look at that! We're going under it, so if you don't want to get wet, lean in, lean in. That is unless you're a Red Sox fan, in which case, lean out, lean out.
We pass the waterfall and soon see part of an airplane lodged in the bushes on the right.
Guide: Okay, now you see that airplane? That is the actual back half of the airplane used in the classic movie, "Casablanca." What it has to do with the world famous Jungle Cruise, I have no idea. But if you'd like to see the front half of the plane, you can see it at Disney/MGM studios in the "Great Movie Ride."
Suddenly, several Hippopotami float towards our boat.
Guide: Look out, Hippos! They love to tip my boat over, so... (he pulls out a revolver.) This should sound like home for the guy from Miami! (Bang Bang!) I just fired off a couple of shots to scare 'em away.
Before the last Hippo submerges, he blows some water from his nostrils, appearing to sneeze.
Guide: Aah choo! I bet you all think that that was water, but... it's not. (Snot... for all of you who didn't get it.)
We pass a village where the natives are dancing and gesturing with spears.
Guide: Up ahead there are natives. Although I don't know if they're doing a funky new war dance or if they just lost the key to the men's room again. Oh, but don't worry. They'll only attack you if you're wearing a straw hat.
Our guide happens to be wearing a straw fedora.
Guide: Oh look out! Look out! We're being attacked! Get down get down get down! And don't worry about looking stupid, I'm doing that for you.
The boat continues forward, and we pass a water fall that empties into the middle of the river. As the boat passes the fall, we can see the other side of it.
Guide: Ever wonder what the back side of water looks like? A lot like the front side. We're in Southeast Asia now on the Boing Makan River in Cambodia. Ah... if you look up ahead, you will see a temple. I'm not sure what could be inside of it. Could be anything from snakes to tigers. I'll make an educated guess. Since we're at Disney World, it'll probably just be a gift shop. We'll check and see.
He cruises forward into the temple, slowly and cautiously.
Guide: (Right before entering the temple.) I just wanted to mention that it's going to be dark in there. So I want to remind you that my name is not Captain Stubing. This is not the Love Boat. Keep your hands to yourself.
As we float through the temple, our Jungle Guide starts singing and very bad rendition of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." The acoustics of the temple only worsen the singing. By the second chorus, most of the passengers start to sing along, (regrettably, myself included.) All singing stops as soon as we exit the temple.
Guide: Alright, and thanks for all the help! Okay, we're in the Indian Elephant bathing pool now. Don't worry, you can look. They're all wearing their trunks. And you can tell that these are Indian Elephants because they have smaller ears and smoother trunks that the Bull Elephants we saw earlier. (He points to the elephant on the right that is being showered by a waterfall.) That big shot up their with his own shower, we like to call Donald Trunk. And look out. They love to spray the inside of my boat with water. It's like a personal vendetta with them or something, I don't know. Ah look out look out! Ha ha, dry humor!
We turn around another bend, and our Guide begins his conclusion speech.
Guide: Uh, parents, there's one last thing that I'd like to mention before you leave. It's kind of a sensitive subject to me. When you leave the park later on today, please don't forget to take with you all of your small children. Um, if you do happen to leave any of them behind, it only takes thirty days for them to become permanent property of the Walt Disney Company. You see, the kiddies will be shipped over to "It's A Small World," their little feet will be bolted to the floor and they'll be forced to sing that stupid song over and over again. And after fifteen years, they will finally be eligible for a promotion to Jungle Cruise skipper. Yeah. Now you see how I got here. So if you see my parents wandering around the park, please send them over here and get me. The joke is over... it's really not that funny anymore. Okay, have you all had a great time on the Jungle Cruise today?!
Guide: Good. If you had a good time, my name is Rob and this has been the world famous Jungle Cruise. And if you had a lousy time... well, my name is Becky and this has been Space Mountain.
The boat pulls up to the dock.
Guide: I'm really bad at goodbyes, so I'm going to make this simple for all of us. Get out. Scram. Get the heck out of here. Enjoyed having you... hope you enjoyed being had.